Tag Archives: 12 Steps

Changes

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Excuse me a moment while I ponder this. I used to think I liked changes. I constantly rearranged my bedroom. This drove my mommie crazy, but it felt like a new world to me.

My AA journey has brought many changes. Where I live, how I live, and most importantly, living in my head.

I am approaching Step 4, and in preparation, I am writing a story about the unmanageability of my alcoholism. Writing, you say? Easy Peasy, no problem, I can,,,Stop kidding yourself, girlie.

I do not want to!!! I refuse to proofread and spell check. I feel like throwing myself on the floor while kicking and screaming like a toddler being told they can not have a cookie.

I realized the reason is anger. I am mad at myself. Regurgitating the things on paper I have done while drinking alcohol was somehow easier to tuck away in my brain rather than seeing the black and white truth.

Step 4 is change. If not, what would be the point? So I am busy sweeping, dusting and checking out this new view.

Remember Little juliannah? She just reminded me once our room is rearranged and clean, we can have the cookie.

 

The Great Cookie Debacle

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I shared this story in many AA meetings since embarking on my recovery from alcohol addiction. There is no sugar coating. (Yes, the pun is intended.)

Last summer, after the Big Guy fell in our back yard and broke his leg, I attempted to stop drinking. Why? Well let’s just say as usual, I was again finding myself out of control. I wound up one night after he had surgery on his leg drunk as a skunk.

I awoke to find he had been calling me to bring him pain medication and water. Yeah, I was out cold. Major blackout if you will.

“I am supposed to be able to count on you.”

I decided then and there to get sober. I stayed sober 4 months. But…I did not work the AA program. I was a Dry Drunk. This simply means although one is not intoxicated, they still think like a alcoholic.

And this is what led to the Great Cookie Debacle. I actually had fallen off the wagon around Thanksgiving. Of course, I was found out but continued to drink and tried desperately to hide this from everyone. Let’s just say I was good, but not that good.

A couple of weeks before Christmas, I arranged for family and friends to come to my house to bake cookies. Everyone readily agreed. I felt excitement in the fact I would be passing a tradition to our youngest granddaughter, Bubbie and knew she would delight in baking and of course filling her tummy with sprinkles and colored sugar.

My thoughts went back to many holiday seasons of baking with my daughter, Cinderella. So many pictures in my heart.

The day came and I drank. So much. I do not remember everything that day. I do remember what turned out to be an intervention that no one had anticipated.

Because of my behavior and the fact I am loved by many, I am now actively working the AA program and embracing the 12 steps. No cookies were baked that day, but if they had been, I probably would not be sober today.

I am lucky.

Bubbie still calls me Grammie.