juliannah |

Excuse me a moment while I ponder this. I used to think I liked changes. I constantly rearranged my bedroom. This drove my mommie crazy, but it felt like a new world to me.

My AA journey has brought many changes. Where I live, how I live, and most importantly, living in my head.

I am approaching Step 4, and in preparation, I am writing a story about the unmanageability of my alcoholism. Writing, you say? Easy Peasy, no problem, I can,,,Stop kidding yourself, girlie.

I do not want to!!! I refuse to proofread and spell check. I feel like throwing myself on the floor while kicking and screaming like a toddler being told they can not have a cookie.

I realized the reason is anger. I am mad at myself. Regurgitating the things on paper I have done while drinking alcohol was somehow easier to tuck away in my brain rather than seeing the black and white truth.

Step 4 is change. If not, what would be the point? So I am busy sweeping, dusting and checking out this new view.

Remember Little juliannah? She just reminded me once our room is rearranged and clean, we can have the cookie.

I am involved in a Boundaries Workshop with people from my AA meetings. Our mentor assigned a task. Write a letter from your inner child to your grown-up self.

This is mine.

Dear Big juliannah,

I am proud of the woman you have grown into. We had quite a childhood. You overcame our shyness and discovered you were not the ugly duckling you thought you were.

I know you wonder why mom never hugged you or said “I love You.” It is ok now. You grew up, had 3 beautiful children, hugged and kissed them and told them “I love you” everyday. You were the best stay-at-home mom when people around you discounted your decision to raise your kids. You then took your self through college and later studied to pass your Pharmacy Tech exam!

We had such fun playing kick the can with dad and all the neighborhood kids. This taught you how to be fair, not cheat and get along with everyone.

I am glad you are learning to be a good person. Don’t be hard on yourself. You love animals, nature and the Lord. All taught to you by your parents.

You are blessed to be loved by so many people. Your little sister, Krafty is proud of you as well. She whispered to me to be sure and let you know that she forgave you for hitting her with that ruler. Who is the big sister now?

Mom gave us the special name, julianna, even though our given name is Julie Ann. You knew when it was a term of endearment or JULIANNA! with an exclamation point.

And oh big juliannah! Remember when mom was going through cancer treatment and you were there. And you were happy to be there. Remember her smile when you brought her that book from the library?

When dad died, you and mom could finally understand each other. She said, “I just want to hold his hand again.” You said, “I know mom.”

Shortly before mom joined dad in heaven you heard the words, “I Love You.”

You never understood when mom gave you the plant stand with the words, “Bloom where you are planted.”

She was a swan and so are you!

*Artwork by my mommie

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Letter From My Little juliannah