Tag Archives: love

Changes

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Excuse me a moment while I ponder this. I used to think I liked changes. I constantly rearranged my bedroom. This drove my mommie crazy, but it felt like a new world to me.

My AA journey has brought many changes. Where I live, how I live, and most importantly, living in my head.

I am approaching Step 4, and in preparation, I am writing a story about the unmanageability of my alcoholism. Writing, you say? Easy Peasy, no problem, I can,,,Stop kidding yourself, girlie.

I do not want to!!! I refuse to proofread and spell check. I feel like throwing myself on the floor while kicking and screaming like a toddler being told they can not have a cookie.

I realized the reason is anger. I am mad at myself. Regurgitating the things on paper I have done while drinking alcohol was somehow easier to tuck away in my brain rather than seeing the black and white truth.

Step 4 is change. If not, what would be the point? So I am busy sweeping, dusting and checking out this new view.

Remember Little juliannah? She just reminded me once our room is rearranged and clean, we can have the cookie.

 

Got My Groovy Back

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My path to sobriety has taken many twists and turns. I tried just stopping. I tried drinking less. I tried turning over my finances…I tried. Everything.

I also tried a half-ass attempt at AA. The problem is it only works if you work it. After The Great Cookie Debacle, Krafty offered to take me in as long as I made a whole hearted attempt at sobriety.

This meant leaving my immediate family and moving to a new city. It also meant putting my future on hold. Scary yes, but I need to concentrate on myself. Period. So, I will not lie, I miss The Big Guy and the rest of our family.

While gathering clothes and personal items to take to my destination, I noticed a picture hanging on my refrigerator. Actually, it is two pictures in one. They were made into a magnet by my best friend, Red as a gift one Christmas.

They are of me and the Big Guy on a trip to Tombstone. Now, the Big Guy is not much of a traveler. I did some talking, persuading and maybe batted my eyes a few times before convincing him the trip would be fun.

I like the photos because in one he is smiling and the other he is kissing me. After hanging the photos on my refrigerator I found a little magnet that says “groovy.” I thought it looked cool and stuck it on the photos.

The photos are now sitting on my desk. A couple of days ago the photos fell and I could not find the little “groovy” magnet. My first thought was, “No robot vacuuming allowed until I retrieve the magnet. I looked everywhere but to no avail. Finally, today I looked down and there, right on top of the desk sat the magnet. 🙂

Got my groovy back. And, by the way. We did have fun…and smiles.

The Great Cookie Debacle

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I shared this story in many AA meetings since embarking on my recovery from alcohol addiction. There is no sugar coating. (Yes, the pun is intended.)

Last summer, after the Big Guy fell in our back yard and broke his leg, I attempted to stop drinking. Why? Well let’s just say as usual, I was again finding myself out of control. I wound up one night after he had surgery on his leg drunk as a skunk.

I awoke to find he had been calling me to bring him pain medication and water. Yeah, I was out cold. Major blackout if you will.

“I am supposed to be able to count on you.”

I decided then and there to get sober. I stayed sober 4 months. But…I did not work the AA program. I was a Dry Drunk. This simply means although one is not intoxicated, they still think like a alcoholic.

And this is what led to the Great Cookie Debacle. I actually had fallen off the wagon around Thanksgiving. Of course, I was found out but continued to drink and tried desperately to hide this from everyone. Let’s just say I was good, but not that good.

A couple of weeks before Christmas, I arranged for family and friends to come to my house to bake cookies. Everyone readily agreed. I felt excitement in the fact I would be passing a tradition to our youngest granddaughter, Bubbie and knew she would delight in baking and of course filling her tummy with sprinkles and colored sugar.

My thoughts went back to many holiday seasons of baking with my daughter, Cinderella. So many pictures in my heart.

The day came and I drank. So much. I do not remember everything that day. I do remember what turned out to be an intervention that no one had anticipated.

Because of my behavior and the fact I am loved by many, I am now actively working the AA program and embracing the 12 steps. No cookies were baked that day, but if they had been, I probably would not be sober today.

I am lucky.

Bubbie still calls me Grammie.

Letter From My Little juliannah

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I am involved in a Boundaries Workshop with people from my AA meetings. Our mentor assigned a task. Write a letter from your inner child to your grown-up self.

This is mine.

Dear Big juliannah,

I am proud of the woman you have grown into. We had quite a childhood. You overcame our shyness and discovered you were not the ugly duckling you thought you were.

I know you wonder why mom never hugged you or said “I love You.” It is ok now. You grew up, had 3 beautiful children, hugged and kissed them and told them “I love you” everyday. You were the best stay-at-home mom when people around you discounted your decision to raise your kids. You then took your self through college and later studied to pass your Pharmacy Tech exam!

We had such fun playing kick the can with dad and all the neighborhood kids. This taught you how to be fair, not cheat and get along with everyone.

I am glad you are learning to be a good person. Don’t be hard on yourself. You love animals, nature and the Lord. All taught to you by your parents.

You are blessed to be loved by so many people. Your little sister, Krafty is proud of you as well. She whispered to me to be sure and let you know that she forgave you for hitting her with that ruler. Who is the big sister now?

Mom gave us the special name, julianna, even though our given name is Julie Ann. You knew when it was a term of endearment or JULIANNA! with an exclamation point.

And oh big juliannah! Remember when mom was going through cancer treatment and you were there. And you were happy to be there. Remember her smile when you brought her that book from the library?

When dad died, you and mom could finally understand each other. She said, “I just want to hold his hand again.” You said, “I know mom.”

Shortly before mom joined dad in heaven you heard the words, “I Love You.”

You never understood when mom gave you the plant stand with the words, “Bloom where you are planted.”

She was a swan and so are you!

*Artwork by my mommie